i read the GRR post yesterday and started thinking a lot about natalie portman for like ten minutes. not like thinking ‘i’d so fuck natalie portman’, which is a good fantasy, but not the one i was having.
i was thinking about the time i touched natalie portman which was probably the best day of my life and that’s what i was thinking about.
for a long time i assumed i’d work in politics. what i didn’t know at the time was it was actually like saying you’d work in poverty and disappointment and probably have a bad haircut even though you had sweet hair at the time and had no idea that it would just fall out when you turned 26 and then you blame your dad who’s like, fuck you kid – i was always bald, and then you have no one left to blame because the story about your grandpa on your dad’s side is a load of shit.
so when you work in politics, everyone is really excited about things for no good reason. like, i’m so pumped about this election. this guy is totally gonna legalize it – which is one of my top three issues. but no one ever legalizes it which is why i no longer believe in anything and just moved to cali instead. but when people get excited in politics it means two things: free booze and celebrities, which are my other two top issues.
when i worked in politics i drank a lot of free booze. i was probably a borderline alcho because i even puked at my desk once, but it was more like dry heaves cause i obvi didn’t eat dinner the night before and mostly because i couldn’t go to the bathroom at work until lunch because the phone might ring and you had to pretend the senator was there and that he like couldn’t agree more with abortion or shooting mexicans at the border or else we’d lose the election and the world would go to hell.
but it was all worth it the time i touched natalie portman.
i was tight with the dudes at the democratic party when i had good hair and was taking like 12 credits and just chilling a lot so sometimes i’d ‘do shit’ for them to pad my resume and convince my parents i was doing relevant activites and that i was pursuing a meaningful career. this was when bush was president and we were all ‘really excited’ about being libs and we only listened to The Boss (born 2 run era).
due to all the excitement, and because we listened to ‘no surrender’ pretty much on repeat, natalie portman showed up to keep us really excited and to
tell us how to be better libs and how to go to harvard. this was when when natalie portman shaved her head and wasn’t that hot, which i think helped
her focus on working in politics. i usually block the part out about her shaved head when i think about the time i touched her and imagine she had the good star wars hair but i’m just using this for context. either way it was way better than listening to john kerry.
so the dudes at the democratic party knew i was tall and they needed someone to take a bullet for natalie portman and couldn’t afford actual bodyguards. obvi i was the first person to come to mind and i have always said i’d take a bullet for natalie portman every since i saw the professional on usa network when i was like 12 and knew we were destined to be together.
there were all these things i wanted to tell natalie portman when i touched her and because i was her bodyguard, i assumed she’d want to tell me things
she’s never told anyone else just in case she died in my arms and needed me to pass a message on to her loved ones. but no one shot her and we just kinda stood there and i swear it was her shoulder that brushed against my back.