Monthly Archives: February 2011

Getting Real about Cheetos & Cheeseballs

 

Q: What do you get when you cross a multiracial children’s choir, sparkly mock turtlenecks and the only person Al Gore could have defeated in the 2004 Presidential election?

only xxxl t-shirts for these unfortunate children

 

I left the set of General Hospital to say 3 lines at the Oscars

A: Oh the 2011 Academy Award snoozefest…

I wanted to like it but I just didn’t.  Am I wrong here?  There were way too many attempted moments lost on me to count, but I’ll try below:

1. Where was Ricky Gervais? (Waiting for Superman)

2. Can I get a redo starring Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin? (Hello Emmys)

3. Who was the hysterical old guy with the cane who presented Melissa Leo with her Supporting Actress award and why was he not given more airtime? (#Viagra)

4. The sexual tension between Justin Timberlake aka Banksy and Mila Kunis is killing me.  Loved her dress btw.

5. Those were the 4 best songs of the year – REALLY?

6. Was I the only one left wondering where the cast of Glee was during all this? (See number 2)

7. Props to Rachel Zoe who kept me watching, it didn’t matter what Anne or Franco had to say, because it wasn’t much, just give me more dresses, k thanks.

8. Producers sink to new low with Franco in drag and a random autotune remix of Ron Weasley and Jacob without a shirt (fyi – Twilight was not nominated and this is not the MTV movie awards or is it?).

9. Um did I just blink and see Obama on the screen?! (And the Oscar in editing goes to…)

10. The King’s Speech speech playing over all the nominee clips – pretty much took the guessing out of anything.  Booorrrringgg.  Like when Natalie Portman told us who the father was.

11. 5th Graders singing “Somewhere Over the Rainbow”.  Hello Cheese, Cheesy, Cheeseballs and Firey Hot Cheetos.  Can I get hot sauce on those?

12.  Oh yeah, my madelines were fucking incredible.  Night y’all.

 

WINKLEVOSS!!! Note: Just found out Armie Hammer is not actually a twin

 

 

 

 

 

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Getting Real about Starbucks and Big Shades

 

And we all remember Madison’s take on the “Pursuit of Jappiness”

 

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Getting real about bagels, bento boxes, and the HinJews who love them

 

During college orientation at the University of Michigan, I made an offhand comment about “japs” to my roommate. She happened to be Japanese and let’s just say…she didn’t take it well. She listened skeptically as I hastily explained that I was referring to “Jewish.American.Princesses,” and was not making derogatory remark towards her race.

Three months later, someone else at Michigan would tell me that they had never met a Jewish person before. As a Westchester Yenta with a severe love of lox, I was horrified…and promptly considered rushing the Jewish sorority so I could finally feel at peace.

Today, I don’t think I would have these encounters…because the term J.A.P. has gone viral. For example, take this 250,000-view video, filmed at my alma mater and titled “The Pursuit of Jappyiness”:

Some people who have seen it have called it offensive. For me, it feels a bit like coming home. Note to the San Francisco Flannel Council: Please don’t revoke my hipster card because I embrace this video – I still want to live in the Mission and wear Chuck T’s.

And then there’s “Sushi With My Girls,” a blog which has been popping up on the Facebook feeds of everyone I went to high school with (and by everyone, I mean four girls, but whatever). Move over, Seventh Heaven – I have a new guilty pleasure and it involves it involves eating a spicy tuna roll with my besties while READING THIS BLOG.

After a careful review, I only matched 9 of the items on the “How Sushi Are You?” list, including:

1. If you got over 1000 on your SAT, then it is with 100% certainty that you or one of your five best friends growing up attended a school in the Sushi 12. (Is it weird that I’m proud that all four GRR bloggers attended a Sushi 12 school?)
2. You know numerous girls named Lindsay, Joanna/Jordana and Ali. (obvi)
7. Vodka Soda- aka “The Linds”- the greatest drink ever.   (guilty)
64. Soco and Lime shots! (guilty again but only when chopsy’s out)
10. Someone you lived with in college attended one of these high schools: Dalton, Horace Mann, Scarsdale, Great Neck East, Syosset, Jericho, Highland Park, Newton South, Cross Roads or Harvard Westlake. (one? try all)
30. You watch at least 2 versions of the Real Housewives. (Shit…surely, Atlanta doesn’t count as “Real”?)
47. Having a really close gay friend. (Or TWELVE)
71. The South- EWW- But I hear Austin is AMAZING! (SO TRUE)
92.  Scarves…in 50 degree weather! (This isn’t Sushi, this is San Francisco)

In the same way that Jane Goodall lived in the jungles of Tanzania to better understand chimpanzees, you can learn about my natural habitat (read: hometown) by reviewing this blog in detail.

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Getting Real about Valentine’s Day cynicism

Alright, it’s two days post Valentine’s Day, and I couldn’t help but wonder (a la Carrie Bradshaw), where did all the heart shaped balloons and life sized teddy bears go? Somewhere in a large, depressing storage unit waiting to reemerge in a year? Or are there industrial garbage containers somewhere full of deflating balloons and rotting chocolate?

I admit I’m a bit of a cynic and I’ve always hated Valentine’s Day. It’s too commercial and endorses all the silly love cliches. If you are in a relationship it sets up some high expectations for your partner…..fancy dinner reservations, 3 dozen roses, candlelight, a card in which he writes you beautiful prose describing how the gold flecks in your green eyes make him swoon? Or maybe you want nothing less than him to serenade you at the local Gap store while you are picking out some basics or trying to fill the argyle quota for your wardrobe..

I mean do you realize the man power necessary to pull that off? Of course you are in for a healthy dose of disappointment.

And if you are not in a relationship, you become painfully aware of it and feel like if you see one more heart-shaped object you are gonna stab a teddy bear. One year ago, I fell into the latter category, and I called my friend and fellow blogger Katie on the phone and went into a bitter rant. A few hours later she and her boyfriend showed up at my door with a bouquet of flowers and a bottle of champagne. And as we toasted each other in my kitchen I realized, I may not have romance in my life but I certainly had love.

One year later, Katie and Nate are still giving me a reason to smile on Valentine’s Day. The day before Valentine’s Day (perhaps to avoid a cliche) Nate proposed to Katie. Did I scream for about a minute straight? Maybe I did. Did I call Ramya immediately afterward to start planning the wedding? Yeah, so sue me. All I know is thinking of them put a stupid grin on my face alllll Valentine’s Day long. Katie and Nate, your friendship is a gift, and your love is an inspiration. Inspiration that may not end the cynicism, but at least it puts it on hold. From all the GRR ladies, we couldn’t be happier for you both!

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Getting Real about 3 people I want to slap some sense into this week

1) Chris Smith (+ all 173 members of the house that support The No Taxpayer Funding for Abortions Act)

This bill includes many provisions. One of these provisions is the Hyde Amendment which prevents federal dollars to cover abortions with exemption in cases of rape, incest and when the life of the woman is threatened. The bill however proposes a change in language from rape to “forcible rape”.

This kind of open-ended language could allow interpretations that distinguish “real” rape from “non-forcible rape?!” as in the case where woman have been drugged or if the woman is of limited mental capacity. Who wrote this bill? The frat boy who sat next to me in psych class freshman year who told me that when girls mean no they really mean yes? Republicans often argue that government’s reach is too vast, like Rep. Michelle Bachmann who said we have a bureaucracy that tells us “which light bulbs to buy”. It’s not government’s place to tell us how to live our lives in a more sustainable, earth friendly way but it IS the government’s place to tell a woman what is a true violation of her body?

This goes beyond the pro-life vs. pro-choice debate. Rape by definition is non-consensual sex. The word “force” has no place here. The absurdity of even having this debate is beautifully demonstrated by the following Daily Show segment:

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/wed-february-2-2011/rape-victim-abortion-funding?xrs=share_fb

2. Kenneth Cole

And in other news Kenneth Cole referenced the uprisings in Egypt to promote his new spring line in the following tweet:

I guess clothes really can’t buy you class. Well done sir. I’m afraid this tweet might have the opposite effect you were hoping for on the sales of your new spring collection.

3. Gwyneth Paltrow

In the new issue of Harper’s Bazaar UK, Gwyneth complained about negative response to some of the posts on her lifestyle blog GOOP:

There were a couple of times when I thought, ‘I’m just gonna stop doing it. People are so mean to me. I don’t want to do it.’ But then I was like, ‘Who cares what some lame person out there says?’ I was in Italy once, and this old man came up to me and said, ‘I had the best time in Nashville because of Goop.’ And that is so worth it to me.”

Yes, keep doing what you do Gwyneth, don’t let those lame meanies get you down. Lonely Planet and Let’s Go, watch out, cause you might be out of business reeeeal soon.



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