Monthly Archives: October 2010

Getting Real about saying goodbye

RIP, Old Friend

I loved him.  I really did.  Sure, I haven’t heard from him in over ten years.  And, sure, we may have had our differences:  He was having trouble adjusting to the changing of the times and was set in his ways.  But, I loved him.  I loved the soft humming of his motorized heart.  I loved the way he used to mimic Alvin and the Chipmunks.  I loved it all.

I can’t believe he’s gone.  And they way he had to go… it makes me shudder.  Sure, he may have felt neglected and marginalized, but it didn’t mean I didn’t have a place for him in my heart.  Even though I would probably never hear from him again.  And even when I did hear from him, it would be muted and garbled.  Regardless, he was a part of my childhood and made me feel so much cooler than anyone else.

On October 25, 2010, Walkman was murdered by his father, Sony.  He was 31 years old, was survived by his equally obsolete brother, Discman, and no one could give two shits.

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Filed under ghostwriter, internets, Music, R.I.P., Style, Tech

Getting Real about the GQ Glee cover

The new GQ featuring the highly controversial Glee cast photo spread hits the news stand today. The Parent Television Council (why does this council even exist?) was quick to denounce the photos immediately stating that, “it is disturbing that GQ, which is explicitly written for adult men, is sexualizing the actresses who play high school-aged characters on ‘Glee’ in this way” and boldly claimed that these photos border on pedophilia. Katie Couric is “disappointed” (which by the way is waaaay worse than pissed), that chick that used to be on Hanging with Mr. Cooper who is now on “The Talk” (the poor man’s “The View”) was upset about the example these women are setting for her 8 year old daughter. In her home they watch the show together as a family, and her daughter really looks up to these cast members.

First of all, why is your 8 year old watching a show about high school kids? I mean have you seen the show? Didn’t catch any adult themes in there that might be a little inappropriate for an 8 year old? “Push It” dance sequence anybody? Dry humping? No? Just because there is singing involved doesn’t mean it’s kid friendly. The Rocky Horror Picture Show has songs in it, but do you want to get into a conversation about what a “pelvic thrust” is with your 8 year old? Didn’t think so. (p.s. so excited for the Rocky Horror Glee Show episode tonight!)

Secondly, why are we still relying on young starlets to be role models for our kids? Because Lindsay Lohan and Britney Spears did such a stellar job? These women are trying to make a career for themselves, not reinforce some moral code you have deemed proper for your offspring. Everybody knows this is the trajectory for young Hollywood: unknown –> big deal –> skanky photo shot –> controversy –> even bigger deal –> (from here on there is some variation). It’s a little sad that Sharon Osbourne came out as the voice of reason pointing out that GQ is a high end men’s fashion magazine, it’s not for your kids to be reading. It’s not altogether shocking to see scantily clad women gracing the cover. Hand your kids the newest issue of Tiger Beat and let’s move on people.

Perhaps I would feel differently if I had children. That I do not know. What I do know is it is not my place to be policing another woman’s sexuality and how she chooses to put it on display. I will say the Lea Michele’s crotch shot was an image I could’ve gone without seeing, but hey. I just don’t think the media is focusing on the REAL issues here, like:

-why is Cory Monteith fully clothed in all the pics, can a girl see some abs at least?
-scratch that, where are Mike Chang’s abs?


-will I ever see Mr. Shuester’s abs?
-since when do we wear white knee socks with heels?
-why is Lea Michele so obnoxious? Notable quotables include:

“I don’t know how they got me to do half the stuff I did…but I was in really good shape this summer, so…” (and by good shape I mean so skinny I now resemble a bobble head)

“”I was one of the only girls in my high school that didn’t get a nose job…and if anybody needed it, I probably did. But my mom always told me, growing up, ‘Barbra Streisand didn’t get a nose job. You’re not getting a nose job.’ And I didn’t. F– those people.” (wow you are so BRAVE…I give her maybe 2 more years, she’ll cave…and then she’ll deny it like Ashlee Simpson).

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Filed under Flora, Sex, TV

Getting Real about ‘jumping on the bandwagon’

 

RALLY PUMPKIN!!

 

Game 5.  Giants lost but still have a chance at the world series.  Recently, my interest with this particular group of ballplayers has grown into a small obsession.  I forget that not everyone skips out of work at 4:00PM; the Walgreens by my office is decked out in Orange and Black for Halloween and not for Cody Ross; and the Giants haven’t been part of my weekly agenda or even part of my consciousness before three weeks ago.

I am what the diehards grudgingly call a fair weather fan.

But maybe it’s not as bad as everyone thinks.  I don’t think jumping on the bandwagon just because everyone else is doing it justifies a defense.  But what if you’re jumping onto something that holds a lot of excitement and integrity, and it’s worth getting into.  The Giants is such an interesting and talented group who play as a team, and it’s not just a couple players who are the all-stars with egos (well maybe Tim Lincecum, but I’m giving him the Lebron James pass).  This team is great.  I love that Aubrey Huff‘s wife bought him a red thong, and he wears it around the locker room to rally the team.  I love that Bruce Bochy has a nickname for every single player on his team.  I love that the pitchers all grew beards and dye them black for no apparent reason.  And I love that there’s a twitter feed direct from Brian Wilson’s beard.

I know that I didn’t struggle through the entire season and have not earned my right to be a Giants fan quite yet.  I haven’t suffered any post inning anxiety attacks nor have I any permanent sweat stains on my shirts from wearing them an entire series without washing because I didn’t want to ruin a winning streak.  But calm down all you diehard fans and try to relish that your beloved team is taking over hearts -and work time- of almost everyone in the Bay Area.  Not a bad thing at all.

Get ready for tomorrow!

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Filed under guest blogger, Sports

Getting Real about beating Ohio State

There’s a widely held opinion that you never really can go back to college.  I would like to present this video as proof that, on certain occasions, you most definitely can.  Look out for the :45 mark…

10/16/10 – Wisconsin knocks of the #1 ranked Ohio State Buckeyes at home.

BEST. GAME. EVER.

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Filed under ghostwriter, Sports

Getting Real about THE GIANTS!

NUF SAID…

SEE YOU IN THE WORLD SERIES

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Filed under internets, Katie, Sports

Getting Real about slap bracelets (that tell time)

Once upon a time, I had a slap bracelet. A beautiful neon pink slap bracelet with unicorns on it. And then, it was taken from me by my shrew of a second grade teacher. Apparently, slap bracelets were dangerous. And then they weren’t – only the metal kind were. The plastic kind that I had rightfully won at Sport Time U.S.A with 1000 tickets in skee-ball winnings was just fine. My bracelet was returned, as was my popularity.

I don’t know what happened to that slap bracelet. Here’s what I do know: Henri Bendel is now selling slap bracelets for $50. I guess there’s also a watch attached.

This is obviously a cheap ploy to get 20-something hipsters to buy watches…cheap ploy or not, it had this 20-something at hello. And who wants to bet Serena is rocking one of these bad boys in the next episode of Gossip Girl? I’m willing to wager, oh, $50.

What’s that? Your elevator doesn’t open into your Upper East Side penthouse apartment and you don’t have $50 to spare for a “slap watch” (yea, that’s what they’re called – real original)? Don’t despair. You can buy 50 slap bracelets for $19.99 at Oriental Trading Company in an assortment of colors and designs. One for you and every other person who came to your pottery-painting birthday party.

 

My 6 year old self is beside...myself

 

I like the cheetah one myself (MEEE-OW).

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Filed under Ramya, Style

Getting Real about Renewing Your Wedding Vows

Alright, I am still struggling with the fact that it is now somewhat acceptable for my friends to get married. (By acceptable, I mean it isn’t just for my high school friends that got pregnant and/or stayed in small town Ohio and really had nothing better to do.) No, my friends are getting married …and some are even heading to Divorceland. Both of which upset me greatly but, for some reason, not nearly as much as much as the new trend of vow renewals.

Gone are the days when you celebrate the major milestones of marriage (10 years, 25, 50 , etc.) Even then, those parties simply exist because the first one was a BUST (the baby is coming in seven months, man is heading off to war, etc.) Now, I am getting invites from friends that had a perfect wedding several years ago and, because they’re bored, are forcing me to sit through another ceremony proving they have found love and it HASN’T GONE AWAY. Just a heads up, re-bride and re-groom: I plan on getting just as hammered at this ceremony.

As much as I want to be annoyed with my friends, I know they are simply following the celebrity trend. Anyone in Hollywood that has a marriage lasting over 64.2 days has reason to celebrate. Thanks, Heidi and Seal for setting the tone. We get it, after five years of marriage and five renewals later, you still like each other.

Ramona Singer couldn’t let her Real Housewives BFF, Bethenny Frankel have the full wedding spotlight. A few months before Bethenny’s big bash, Romona threw herself a party for making it to year 18. Couldn’t wait to make it a nice round number like 20, could you?!

And really, do we need to discuss the Jon and Kate debacle?

Well here’s to hoping that this trend dies as quickly as Americans speaking with a British accent. And, if not, brides please don’t wear white. You shouldn’t have the first time but now the jig is REALLY up.

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Filed under Marisha, Weddings

Getting Real about the world according to San Francisco

Thanks generic for this awesome graphic

I’d say that about sums it up

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Filed under internets, Katie

Getting Real about your sexiest Halloween ever

“In the real world, Halloween is when kids dress up in costumes and beg for candy. In Girl World, Halloween is the one day a year when a girl can dress up like a total slut and no other girls can say anything else about it.”  – Lindsay Lohan R.I.P. (she was dead to me after her 4th re-entry into rehab)

You really have to love this time of year.  There is a briskness in the air as you walk down the street wrapped up in your new J. Crew cashmere scarf.  Both your latte and your beer taste like pumpkin.  You contemplate buying another pair of boots just because.  And you should be receiving a package of Halloween candy from your Mother any day now, because she knows how upset you get about being too old to trick or treat.

With Halloween just 2 weeks away you are no doubt deciding on what your costume will be.  Who cares if you have no party to go to yet.  You get to wear a little more makeup and show a little (or a lot) more cleavage than is normally socially acceptable.  And if worse comes to worse you’ll go to the liquor store on Halloween all dressed up and purchase that solo bottle of wine.  But at least the check out guy saw your outfit and thought you looked hot.

You know you want to look good.  And by look good I mean show as much skin as possible.  But you have already played the sexy referee, done the slutty police officer and lost the keys to your handcuffs, you completely trashed your skanky Dorothy costume last year when someone tripped you in your ruby red stilettos and you landed face first into a tray of candy corn flavored jello shots.

This year you are ready to take on the challenge of slutting up the unexpected and unusual costumes you are pretty confident no one else would think of.

I just want to give you a few ideas to get you started…

Did you want whip cream on that grande latte sir?
That’s right this outfit comes with a gun

and a satchel which you could totes use for the office.

 

that's one dirrrty hostess cupcake

 

 

And just when you thought plumbers crack wasn't sexy

 

 

I'm a sexy Realtor obvi

 

 

Who doesn't like Mrs. Potato Head?

 

 

Look I'm a remote control - sooo many hott buttons to push

 

 

this outfit needs no caption

 

 

This chic looks nothing like Julia Roberts but really who cares?

 

 

freaky child dolls that kill you with an axe are totally sexy too

 

 

Anorexia = SEXY (definitely a conversation starter)

 

 

The last time I felt really sexy was when I ordered a huge bowl chow mein and fried rice. Wait! Is that a fortune cookie hat?!?!

 

 

Wear this if you want everyone to try to have sex with your tail

 

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Filed under Fashion, Katie

Getting Real about how I learned to love the Blue Angels

“The Blue Angels’ mission is to enhance Navy and Marine Corps recruiting efforts and to represent the naval service to the United States, its elected leadership and foreign nations. The Blue Angels serve as positive role models and goodwill ambassadors for the U. S. Navy and Marine Corps.”

Sitting in a dog park with a bunch of white people this weekend, I took some time to reflect upon the Blue Angels, life, and why my ears won’t stop ringing for the next three days.

As a little kid, my relationship with the military was limited to a fear of dying by bayonet attack while in a sleeping bag on Cub Scout camping trips and those terrifying commercials that looked like a game of BattleChess until the rooks turned into Marines and killed everyone with swords.

I was watching two little kids on Sunday, which is what I often do in the park when there aren’t any dogs around.  This makes parents really uncomfortable and they usually move to another spot in the park, which is fine, because then someone else shows up and I forget I was being creepy.  But, because this was a special day and everyone was picnicking because the Navy was going to simulate a high-casualty air strike above the city, the parents stayed put and allowed me to transfer my own thoughts onto their children and I started thinking that these kids probably hadn’t even seen those BattleChess ads.  I doubted they even knew what BattleChess was unless there’s an iPhone app for it (there might be an iPhone app, but I haven’t checked because I could never win on the DOS version which was likely far less sophisticated than the release out now).

It was pretty unlikely that these kids were Cub Scouts either, because I’m not even sure they have Cub Scouts in SF and if they did, they wouldn’t meet in a Church and DEFINITELY wouldn’t get to play with knives which was the best part of Cub Scouts before I learned about bayonets.  I resigned myself to the fact that the Blue Angels had found their ideal, uncorrupted audience with these little shits who suffered none of the military-related trauma I endured as a child.

After you watch gigantic death planes fly over your head for ten minutes, you start asking things like, “Why on earth do they do this ever year?” and “Why the hell are the Blue Angels not affiliated with the Air Force?” (this is a completely valid question and one I don’t ever expect to be answered). And my favorite of which, being “Man, Churchill had some ballsack to stand on top of the Treasury Building while the Nazi’s bombed the shit out of London”.

(Not actually a question).

 

 

"VICTORY"

 

But neither of these kids were bothered by the absurdity of planes belonging to a military branch inherently based in the water, and surely neither had the lung power to finish an entire cigar while running a country and watching bombers decimate your town and eardrums alike (still love you Winston).  They just kept cheering.  And not like how I cheer, secretly hoping for comical disaster, this was honest-to-goodness GO USA screaming.  Their cries, barely audible due to the chronic tinnitus growing inside my skull, began to take hold in my brain.  I no longer cared how much of the defense budget was allocated to these show-boating assholes.  These guys were protecting us, at that very moment, from the darkness lurking in my very own neighborhood.

I subconsciously traced their Pacific Heights flight path from home to home, noticing a strange triangular pattern that began on Lyon Street, shielding the sun completely from Dianne Feinstein‘s windows.  They turned up Broadway, flying so low the flowers wilted from the sound in Nancy Pelosi‘s back garden, and finally, completing their isosceles axis of evil, through Alta Plaza park where they nearly shook the solar panels from the bastions atop Sean Penn‘s seventh home.

 

 

axis of evil

 

They were telling me something, these Blue Angels, and I think I finally understood:  God sends the military to San Francisco once a year to remind us that we’re assholes, and that even he can’t get Pelosi out of office.

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Filed under ghostwriter, politics